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Saint
Saints of Discordia are broken into five categories based upon power and contribution. The first category, Saint Second Class, is reserved for real beings. Fictional beings, not being actual, are more capable of perfection and belong to the other four. Saint Second Class To be reserved for all human beings deserving of Sainthood. St. Norton I, Emperor of the United States and Protector of Mexico The first and only Emperor of the United States, Norton made purported insanity work for him, and proved that reality is what you can get away with. His grave near San Francisco is an official POEE shrine. St. Robert Anton Wilson St. William Melvin "Bill" Hicks St. Hunter S. Thompson The creator of gonzo journalism. St. Edward the Spectacularly Bad (Ed Wood) The creator of a new paradigm in cutting-edge cinematic surrealism. St. Francis the Incoherent (Francis E. Dec, Esq.) This space left blank. St. Archimedes the Screwy (Archimedes Plutonium) Advocate of the theory of Plutonium Atom Totality, Archimedes spectacularly unified ancient Greek religion and modern-day particle physics. St. Jarvis Cocker Honored for his timely turkey-cursing of the puppets of Greyface. St. Minnie Rae Saint Prostitute named "The Little Countess" by St. Emperor Norton. St. Olie Bassweight Second incarnation of Socrates, Aliester Crowly and Dr Tim Leary. Great Warrior Poet and jake survivor turned insane Discordian madman Richard Milhous Nixon In recognition of his being, by far, the most discordant president the United States has ever suffered, Richard M. Nixon was quickly recognized by some Discordian somewhere with canonization. Noteworthy for displaying a complete disregard (some may even say contempt) for the law, and instituting the popular Operation Mindfuck subprogram: the War on Drugs, so popular with our Bavarian Illuminati (who considered it an important stepping stone in our New World Order plan) and drug-smuggling CIA initiates everywhere. Not so popular with our holy St. Hunter S. Thompson, but hey, infighting is a commercialized sport in our canon. The Richard Nixon Presidential Library and Museum in Yorba Linda, CA is a popular pilgrumage site for Discordian masochists, especially since it is about an hour drive from the Brunswick Shrine. Nixon was born in the city of Yorba Linda which contains the Brunswick Shrine, where the Keepers of the Sacred Chao received the Principia. Coincidence? Kennedy was shot in New Orleans (aka The Region of Thud) which is the city the Principia was printed in by Malaclypse the Elder on the Xerox machine of District Attorney Jim Garrison who unsuccessfuly investigated the Kenedy assasination and attempted to subpoena Omar Khayyam Ravenhurst who claimed to plot to assasinate the president Kennedy with the help of a bald man claiming to be a Nazi, but looking suspiciously like the CIA agent E Howard Hunt wearing a bald cap (not to be confused with the Tom Cruise character Ethan Hunt, a CIA agent in the film thriller Mission Impossible) at the same time that Lee Harvey Oswald (who served in the same Marines unit as Omar) claimed to have shot Kennedy. The Warren Commission concluded Oswald acted alone. Coincidence? Nixon claimed to have boarded an airplane from a Pepsi Cola convention in Dallas (the city Kennedy was shot in) to New York city the morning before Kennedy was shot, only hearing about it from a stranger as he got into a yellow cab in NY after landing, but an executive of the Pepsi Cola company says he saw Nixon in the convention when news of the assassination was announced, prematurely ending the convention, and that he left Dallas later that afternoon, proving Nixon was bilocational, one of his multiple miracles, securing his canonization. Coincidence? Famous for blessing the masses with the fnord mantra "I am not a crook!" often televangelically. "A third, very intriguing myth held that Malaclypse was a pen-name for Richard M. Nixon, who had allegedly composed the Principia during a few moments of lucidity." --Pope Bob, introduction to the Loompanics edition, Principia Discordia St. John the Martyr Enlightened bank tellers suffering anxiety during bank robberies with the meditative exercise "Lie down on the floor and keep calm." After liberating funds from at least 23 banks, was finally martyred by philistine federal agents leaving the Biograph theater after taking in an evening showing of Manhattan Melodrama. Discrepancies between physical characteristics of Dillinger and the body shot by federal agents in the alley, and considering the previous embarrassment of the FBI when they had accidentally assassinated another man only vaguely resembling Dillinger, a rumor quickly spread that the feds were covering up the fact that they again got the wrong man, and Dillinger was alive and well on a permanent vacation in SoCal. A rift in the church of St. John the Martyr arose between those who believed Dillinger had never been killed in the first place and those who believed Dillinger had been killed but rose from the dead to prove his divinity. The latter have always maintained that it makes far less sense to venerate a mere mortal as one's personal savior and founded the John Dillinger Died For You Society to spread the Good News and set the record straight. Cantor Yankovic (aka Saint Weird Al) Known for writing and introducing many Discordian hymns to the masses, such as "Everything You Know Is Wrong" and the ecclesiastical prophecy "Your Horoscope For Today". Rumored to have been gifted (or perhaps cursed) with eternal youth and hammerspace. St. Richard Feynman Theoretical physicist, samba player, merry prankster, safe cracker, and an all around interesting and adventurous dude. He made many comments that seem to align with Discordian psycho-metaphysics, such as "The first principle is that you must not fool yourself, and you are the easiest person to fool." St. PTerry Terry Pratchett, author of a long and well-received series of novels that poke fun at the human condition. Credited Mal by including him as a prophet of the Discworldian Goddess of Confusion, who most assuredly must also be Eris. St. Gaga Another singer, described by Cantor Yankovic as "performing this way". Has pioneered Discordian fashion trends and warned the masses of the dangers of the Bavarian Illuminati. Lance Saint Good Saint material and definitely inspiring. Example: St. Yossarian (Catch 22, Heller) Lieutenant Saint Excellent Goddess-Saturated Saint. Example: St. Quixote (Don Quixote, Cervantes) St. Markus Velafi A tiefling sorcelock in the popular (in some sense) tabletop rpg show Thrilling Intent. He generally navigates the strange fantasy world with a mixture of clever schemes and off-the-wall shenanigans. Perhaps his most notable Discordian action was the formation of Markus Velafi's Conga Line for Peace and Stability, a rag tag collection of assorted, glitter-covered weirdos who inserted themselves into the middle of a budding war in order to confuse both sides so much that they stop fighting (echoing, perhaps unintentionally, the actions of St. Emperor Norton). Brigadier Saint Comparable to Lt/Saint but has an established following (fictional or factual). Example: St. Bokonon (Cat's Cradle, Vonnegut) *Mothra *Pat Pineapple *Ralph Five Star Saint The Five Apostles of Eris. Note: It is an Old Erisian Tradition to never agree with each other about Saints.